


How to Pet: A User's Guide - ALTERNATE ENDING

by drainbamage954 (cats_cradle6766)



Series: How To Pet [2]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Cats, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-13
Updated: 2013-01-13
Packaged: 2018-03-23 00:52:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3748963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cats_cradle6766/pseuds/drainbamage954
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The alternate ending for How to Pet: A User's Guide.  Entirely crack~</p>
            </blockquote>





	How to Pet: A User's Guide - ALTERNATE ENDING

**Author's Note:**

> Written in January 2013. Entirely Crack. Also, I recognize that Sehun no longer has a lisp and it was conditional during his dental correction. His lisp is written here during the time that said information was unknown.

It’s hot. Weird scratchy soft but odd hot and Lu Han doesn’t like it. He frowns, burrowing his face further into the blankets, snuffing. Why burrowing into the blankets seems like a good idea, Lu Han isn’t sure, considering blankets are hot, but he does it anyway. He’s sore, like he’s just been sent through the spin cycle of the dryer and then accidentally fallen down some stairs. That kind of sore. He grimaces, moving to flex and his whiskers twitch in irritation.

Wait.

Eyes open. 

Everything is in black and white, odd hues assaulting his eyes and Lu Han’s bed looks really fucking big. 

What.

“LU HAN!”

The next second, Lu Han is being plowed into by an enthusiastic ball of gray fur, suddenly much larger than the previous night and give out a startled chirp. Chirp. Limbs don’t work really well when you’re not used to them and they’re covered in fur. Chen doesn’t seem really bothered though as he flops onto Lu Han delightedly and begins enthusiastically washing Lu Han’s ears as the other tries to process mobile function.

“Chen?” Lu Han asks, blinking repeatedly to try to focus his eyes and finding it hard as Chen’s rough tongue digs into his ear. It is oddly comforting. 

“Hi,” Chen says, drawing back and his whiskers lift in amusement. “How are you feeling?”

“I’M A CAT!” Lu Han yowls, feeling his fur rise as every nerve in his body snaps. 

“Isn’t it great!” Chen chirps, hopping up and bounding about the bed in excitement, pouncing on bedding and rolling about. “Now you’re a cat, too! We can be cats together!”

Fuck.

“Fuck!” spits Lu Han, trying to get up and topping face first off the bed, magically somehow landing on all fours as his hackles rise, tail rigid in the air as his claws dig into the carpet. “I’m a cat, I’m a cat, I’mmmmm a caaaaat. CAAAAATTTTT”

“You’re a really handsome cat, though,” Chen says, hopping down from the bed and padding over to Lu Han, nuzzling his face into Lu Han’s with a purr. “Not as handsome as me, but I’m a premium breed.”

Lu Han makes a strange gagging sound as his entire furry body shakes. “Oh Jesus fuck, I’m a cat,” he says before his eyes widen and he turns to Chen. “How is talking?!”

Chen pauses from where he’s washing Lu Han’s ears again. “Cats talk differently from humans. But it’s not like we don’t talk. It’s telepathic.”

“Oh yes,” Lu Han says, feeling faint and flopping over. “Of course, telepathic. How could I be so dumb?”

“Well, you were a human until now,” Chen says, crawling to curl into his side with a purr. “You can’t blame yourself.”

They both jump, Lu Han practically flying from the floor as his reflexes operate on a whole new level of responsiveness, when something slams into the door hard. 

“LU HAN!” 

“WHAT THE FUCK.”

‘THITH ITHN’T REAL! THITH CAN’T BE REAL!”

Lu Han turns wide eyes to Chen, who is watching the door curiously. “Are they-?”

“Probably,” Chen says, washing a paw disinterestedly. 

“I CAN’T REACH THE DOOR.”

“YOU DON’T HAVE THUMBTH! HOW WOULD YOU OPEN IT?”

“SHUT UP! I’D FIGURE SOMETHING- DID YOU JUS- WATCH THOSE CLAWS!”

“At least they haven’t changed,” Chen says, picking himself up and wandering to Lu Han’s desk, jumping up easily and fiddling with the door latch briefly before there’s a faint click and the next moment, two really annoyed cats tumble into Lu Han’s room. 

“OW!” 

“Hi!” Chen chirps, hopping down and bounding up to the two other cats happily. “Welcome to higher living!”

“I’m a fucking cat!” A brown small Tom yowls, squished slightly under a sleek tabby gray cat who looks extremely tired. 

“You could be dead,” The gray cat grumbles, pushing himself up and sitting back haughtily. “At leatht thith way you’re not puthing up daithieth.”

“Oh my God, you still lisp as a cat,” Lu Han says, wheezing laughter as he flops back into the floor. Sehun glowers at him before huffing and washing a paw. 

“Sehun wins,” Chen says, wandering to the door and prying it open. “He’s got the whole diva thing down already, so you two just need to follow his example. Anyone hungry?”

Somehow, and Lu Han isn’t entirely sure how, Chen becomes the strange new leader of this strange gaggle of human-now cats that don’t look at all pleased to find themselves in this situation, wandering around the house and giving them sarcastic responses to their questions while obsessively rubbing into Lu Han and cleaning his ears. 

“I’m pretty sure my ears are clean,” Lu Han says, batting at Chen as his sandpaper tongue drags over Lu Han’s fur. 

“Mine,” Chen says simple before throwing a paw over Lu Han and dragging him close. Lu Han ends up just giving in and doesn’t fight him anymore. 

After about an hour or two of Junmyeon and Sehun bitching about their hatred of being cats, Chen finally manages to get into one of the cupboards and dragging out a bag of kibble, which Lu Han rips open and Junmyeon grumbles about sanitation and Sehun moans about animalistic eating habits.

“You are an animal,” Lu Han points out.

“In bed,” Junmyeon adds and Sehun chokes on _NINE LIVES_ before tackling Junmyeon with an embarrassed yelp. 

After two days of Chen teaching Lu Han how to use his tail to balance him before jumping on things, the door clicks. All four cats jerk up from their loitering in boredom on the couch to the sound and a second later sees a stampede of felines into the hall as Yixing, followed by a small wary man Lu Han recognizes as their neighbor Ryeowook. Yixing’s eyebrows nearly fly off his face as four cats practically leap onto him, all yowling at different volumes and intensities. Chen watches them all in judgement by the shoes. 

“Holy-“ Yixing yelps as Sehun claws up his chest.

“CATS!” Ryeowook finishes for him, eyes going wide and slightly glassy. 

“The fuck!” Yixing yells.

“HELP!” Sehun yowls, attempting to climb and cling to Yixing’s head, meowing hysterically. Junmyeon is somewhere around Yixing’s right armpit and Lu Han is hanging off his belt loops.

“Smooth guys,” Chen says, tail swishing as he watches the mayhem. 

Yixing feeds them, wandering around with a herd of cats all meowing at him, trying to tell him they’re the friends he’s looking for and only getting “I don’t know what you want, you just had three helpings of ‘tuna surprise’” in return as Yixing seems to be more concerned with the absence of his three friends rather than the sudden inexplicable manifestation of three cats in Junmyeon and Lu Han’s apartment. 

“Have you seen then around?” Yixing asks Ryeowook, who, upon seeing the cats, had gotten a sort of dreamy look on his face and immediately taken Sehun from Yixing’s head to cradle him against his chest, cooing. Sehun had looked thoroughly disgruntled, ears flat and whiskers disapproving. 

“I haven’t seen them since Lu Han and Junmyeon went out the other day,” Ryeowook says, idly bouncing Junmyeon in his arms like an infant as Junmyeon looks on the verge of fatal panic attacks. He coos at Junmyeon the next moment, nuzzling his face into brown fur and Junmyeon’s eyes indicate murder by blood loss. 

Yixing leaves after a few hours, giving Ryeowook the Good Neighbor of Saints his spare key to lock up after he’s found out where Lu Han or Junmyeon put the litter box. Ryeowook whistles happily to himself, occasionally saying things like ‘furry little friends’ and ‘the kitties of kitty palace Goobywom’ as he scoops days of cat shit and piss into a plastic bag. 

Ryeowook ends up visiting for four hours the next day, cooing at Junmyeon and Lu Han and Sehun as they all frowned and Chen watches in amusement from her perch on top of the television. “Aw, you’re all so adorable,” Ryeowook coos, trying to scratch Sehun under the chin and earning a swat to the hand. “Hey now,” Ryeowook says, giving Sehun a disapproving look. “That wasn’t very nice Calpis.”

“Did he just call you a Japanese soft drink?” Junmyeon asks, looking at Sehun in bemusement. 

“Thut up,” Sehun lisps, slinking under the coffee table and out of the way. 

“Aw, looks like Calpis isn’t feeling so friendly today, Mr. Tiddly Winks,” Ryeowook says, absently petting Junmyeon on the head. Lu Han falls off the couch cushion as he cat-laughs and Junmyeon shoots him an angry look. “Are you two fighting again?” Ryeowook clicks his tongue, mushing Junmyeon’s face in his hands so his whiskers jut out and make him look ridiculous. Junmyeon has never looked so suffering in his life. 

“Mr. Tiddly Winks,” Lu Han howls, rolling onto his back and gloating at Junmyeon. “Oh my God, life is now complete.”

“You’re probably named something heinous like ‘Mumble Bins’ or something,” Junmyeon snaps, wrenching himself from Ryeowook to join Sehun, flopping down on top of him as Sehun’s tail twitches.

“Awwwwww,” Ryeowook says, watching Sehun be squished by Junmyeon with fondness. “Look, they’ve made up.”

“I wish we could make out,” Sehun grumbles from his paws and Junmyeon head butts him.

“Isn’t that sweet, Prince Paws?” Ryeowook coos, reaching up to toy with Lu Han’s tail.

“Ha!” Lu Han shouts down to Junmyeon and Sehun, who refuse to look at him. “Prince Paws! Take that Tiddly Wink and Calpis Face!”

“I fucking hate you,” Junmyeon growls into Sehun’s fur. 

Ryeowook visits every day, toting cat food and toys and seeming to not really care about his missing neighbors as he instead obsesses over the cats who have begun to grudgingly accept his affection as it is the only thing that ensures them food and a relief from the stench of the litter box. Ryeowook greets the police officers, accompanied by Yixing and Baekhyun, who are searching for signs of Junmyeon and Sehun and Lu Han after about a week with Sehun and Chen in his arms, snuggled like his first born set of twins and blinking wide eyes.

Yixing doesn’t question the cats. The cops give Ryeowook a weird look. Baekhyun raises his eyes, watching the group of felines as they meow at him before smirking and reaching down, petting Chen on the head gently. “You’re all the gayest cats I’ve ever seen,” Baekhyun says, grinning as Chen juts up into his hand. 

“FUCK YOU!” Sehun snaps, glaring as Baekhyun smirks at him. 

“Watch it, diva boy,” Baekhyun says, tapping Sehun on the nose. “Or Mr. Tiddly Winks might not put out tonight.”

As the door closes and Ryeowook hums sing along songs to himself, Junmyeon turns to Lu Han. “Oh my God, he knew.”

Chen snorts. “Of course he knew,” Chen says. “He used to be a cat too.”

“WHAT!?”

Chen blinks at them, paw half washed. “What, I thought you knew?”

Ryeowook sings loudly as he spoons heaps of ‘ham and egg supreme’ into dishes and Sehun kicks litter onto Lu Han’s shredded sports magazines in distemper. A month later, as a new tenant moves in, Ryeowook bundles up his ‘precious babies’ and drags them into his apartment, cooing the entire time.

“I think he’s insane,” Sehun says, watching moodily. 

“We’re his gay cats, of course he’s insane,” Junmyeon grumbles.

“All cats are kind of gay,” Chen says, chewing at the fur between the pads of his paw. 

“We are all gay cats,” Lu Han points out.

“No,” Chen says, tumbling into Lu Han with a delighted huff. “I’m just a gay cat for you.”

“DINNER MY PRECIOUS CHILDREN!~” Ryeowook sings as Junmyeon hacks on a hairball and Sehun bats him in the head with a paw.


End file.
